Michael Gilhaney

Half-way to being a bicycle...

Saturday 24th July 2021

Primarily a summary reflection on a few thoughts and ideas I've been working on.

  • Few people look good (performing) when trying to improve (a skill). Lighten up! Let go of pride and have some humility.

  • Few people get better very quickly. Improvement takes time. Small gains matter. Be patient. Stick with it.

  • Actions compound over time. The result becomes noticeable mostly when you look back or see them in others.

  • Have a sympathetic consciousness of your future self. Take action now to alleviate future distress.

A 260 mile bike ride.

First big ride post Covid era. 260 miles. Started and finished at Manningtree. Following a counter clockwise route on the map. The aim was to finish between 22 and 25 hours. Managed to in just under that. 21.5 hours. Very pleased.

It was the hottest day of the year so far. About 30c tops. A gentle northly on the way up to Wells gave us a welcome cooling breeze. I rode with four others.

Cycling in a small group of similarly conditioned cyclists made a huge difference. Much easier to keep going and maintain a reasonable pace. Company is always good on a long ride, especially in the early hours before sunrise.

Fitness and fortitude kept us all going. The hills at the end were humbling. I crawled up those at a snails pace. Made the final kilometer downhill to the end all the more welcome.

Once finished I sat with the group for a bit of breakfast. My cognitive skills had reduced to a level where thinking and speaking had become a bit of a challenge. I said my thanks and farewells before making my way home. Thankfully got back safely having managed to stay awake in the car with energy drinks and caffeine chewing gum.

Rides like this keep on giving for a good few days after. I get some great vibes thinking back on what I managed to achieve. A 260 mile bike ride! Go on Gilhaney! Let's have it!

What's in a name?

‘Michael Gilhaney, said the Sergeant, ‘is nearly sixty years of age by plain computation and if he is itself, he has spent no less than thirty-five years riding his bicycle over the rocky roadsteads and up and down the hills and into the deep ditches when the road goes astray in the strain of the winter. He is always going to a particular destination or other on his bicycle at every hour of the day or coming back from there at every other hour. If it wasn’t that his bicycle was stolen every Monday he would be sure to be more than half-way now.’

‘Half-way to where?’

'Half-way to being a bicycle himself,’ said the Sergeant.

‘Your talk,’ I said, ‘is surely the handiwork of wisdom because not one word of it do I understand.’

‘Then watch the bicycles if you think it is pleasant to be surprised continuously,’ he said. ‘When a man lets things go so far that he is half or more than half a bicycle, you will not see so much because he spends a lot of his time leaning with one elbow on walls or standing propped by one foot at kerbstones'.

Flann O'Brien - The Third Policemen

Tuesday 14th July 2021: Slacking off. A potential pitfall when life is going well.

I am avoiding reading Indistractable. Avoiding doing an exercise in the work book. I am also avoiding doing the garden and visiting a friend. I am slouching around. Wasting time on the internet. Slacking off. There is no sensible reason for doing any of these things.

Remembering now akrasia - self sabotage. It seems I am indulging in akrasia. A lack of self-control or the state of acting against one's better judgment.

HALT. Hungry - no. Angry - no. Lonley - no. Tired - yes.

I am feeling tired. It is 2012hrs. I have been waking up early and getting up early as a matter of routine. Going to bed normally around 10.00pm - 10.30pm. Getting up between 4.30am and 6.00 am. At worst around 6 hours of sleep. Not lack of sleep then.

I am riding my bike every day. Putting in an effort. Stretching. Meditating. I have been working on myself for a good while now. 72 days of clean living. 10 weeks. Three months or so of abstinence has in the past been the point of relapse. Two nights in a row this week I have had relapse dreams. Good that I am noticing this. Not sure where it comes from. An extinction burst gestating? The thought of relapse has not crossed my waking mind. I have not been planning a relapse. Trust myself. Nah. That does not mean much. Better perhaps to remember future orientated thinking I was right about that. See the notes from Psychology Today at the end of this journal.

Have a 400km audax scheduled for the weekend. It's been on my mind. Feeling I can do it. I've been telling people I am going to do it. Maybe that's a thing?

Had some wins. The Garmin 1000 is fixed! Suppliers have agreed to send us a free replacement for the broken dishwasher. Getting on well at work. Feeling fit. Blood pressure is good. Getting on well with family. Maybe this is it. It does not feel right when all is well. I am drawn to slacking off when things are going well. Self sabotage. I know I have a tendency to do so when things are going well. Time to do some reading about it...


From past journal notes...

Things to let go to make way for rich living. 13/01/2019
Let go of the lie you are not worthy of love, success or happiness. Even if you don’t admit to yourself, it may be an underlying feeling that sabotages everything you do to be happy. If you are holding yourself back, how could love and success and happiness ever get past your iron gates to greet you?

8 Emotions You Must Stop Carrying to Free Yourself 13/01/2019
Emotion #4: Self-sabotage
This is when you behave in a way that sabotages your chances of accomplishing your dreams. You may do this to please those who are holding you back. So you kill opportunities and mess up on purpose so you can justify being held back. You become your own worst enemy.

Solution: The healing of self-sabotage starts with love and acceptance. Self-love pulls you out of this darkness. Start caring about yourself and nurturing your goals. This is the only path to breaking free of self-sabotage.

Emotion #5: Complacency
You have gone into this phase when you lose all passion for your dreams, and accept to live your life on someone else’s terms. You lose your desire to do the extraordinary or to push yourself. You walk the path of least resistance.

Solution: There is no gentle way to come out of complacency. You have to kick it in the gut and throw it over the cliff in one swift move.

Be very very afraid of complacency. If you feel the signs, set an immediate challenge that pulls you way out of your comfort zone, and don’t be surprised if it makes the people around you uncomfortable. Your focus here is you and you alone.*

31/05/2019
...Listening to that guy from the alcohol rehab services. His name will pop into my head in a bit. Anyway I remember him talking about just this thing. Once we start feeling good that feels odd. Does not feel right in some ways. Not who we are. So we self sabotage. Go back to self destructive ways. Go back to things to make us feel shit again. Where we feel at home.


From Psychology today...

...fundamentally, we avoid tasks or put them off because we do not believe we’ll enjoy doing them, and want to avoid making ourselves unhappy, or we fear that we won’t do them well. Hah! Could it be that simple? The irony of it. Looking for a distraction from uncomfortable thoughts and/or feelings. So true!

...Developing empathy for one’s future self as one would for a close friend, then, can be an important first step to ending the habit, because we’re less willing to put a good friend in such a disadvantaged position.


So to the analysis and lessons as to why I am putting off reading Indistractable and working through another exercise.

  1. Let go of the lie that I am not worthy of love, success or happiness. I am not even aware I might still be holding on to that. Let's consider it a possibility. I am worth it. Always have been. I am now. I always will be.
  2. Future orientated thinking. Do it for my future self. The future I'd like to live.
  3. Remind / refresh myself of some future goals. Intrinsic goals. Work on this. You forget them quickly without doing so.
  4. Notice and do not ignore complacency. Set yourself a challenge and do it immediatly. Pretty much like you've just done with this journal.
  5. Don't settle for thinking 'I might not enjoy it'! You won't know until you start. More often than not you do enjoy and get into what ever it is you choose to do. So many examples you can think of. Just do it!

Prompted by the first thing I just read now in Indistracable - Discomfort motivates us to take action. Conversly comfort, when things are going well, leads to me slacking off. Maybe that's why I slack off when things are going well? I am not motivated to take action. I am too comfortable!

How human / crazy is that? I need to feel things are not right to be motivated to make them right. If things feel right I end up slacking off - self sabotaging - to make them not right until I am motivated enough once more to take action to get things straight again.

FUCK!

If I could be a bit sensible about this, notice what I am doing quickly, then I would make more sustained progress.

Well now that I have noticed and gained this new insight I am in a better position to do so. Here we go...

Friday 11th June 2021

Not gone to work yet. Waiting around for a workman to arrive to recommence repairs in the kitchen and bathroom. It's been going on now since February. Started with the boiler dripping. What ever. Shit happens and has to be dealt with.

Reading another book. It didn't start with you by Mark Wolynn. Only just started but already feeling it resonate with me. My experience. That of my parents, siblings, my children, people at work and so on. So far the learning that speaks most loudly to me is the more we fight and resist a feeling we give it power over us. The idea is not new to me. Good to be reminded though.

Just looking now at the poem stuck by my workspace at home by Jelaluddin Rumi - The Guest House.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes, as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!,
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of it's furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be cleaning you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes
because each has been sent
as a guest from beyond.

Jelaluddin Rumi

I made some reference to this idea yesterday when speaking with someone at work. Try allowing your anxiety in. You are safe here. We are here for you. Be curious about the feeling. Surf on it. Let it wash over you. Be curious. No need to fight it. It may be counter productive to do so.

I would do well to apply this to myself. This year has been trying. One thing after another after another. Be grateful for whatever comes. Each may be cleaning you out for some new delight.

Sunday 23rd May 2021: It's good to journal

It's good to journal. Often I don't feel like it or want to. It does though feel good whenever I do and something I never regret. Like exercising, getting stuff done or pretty much anything I suppose that's good for me.

There is benefit to be had by reading through yesterdays journal or the last one I wrote. It serves as a reminder to me as to what was on my mind and of any insights gained and intentions made. It's also good to look back over the weeks, months and years from time to time. Repeating themes are all too evident though I'm pleased to see some progress scattered about no matter how slow. I am very much a work in progress.

I journal much more than I post on Listed. I do not make much of an effort to be annoymous. I'm happy enough in thinking it's unlikely that anyone who knows me will stumble upon me here. If they do, well, no worries to me. It may give us more to talk about. I keep my private thoughts to my private journals mostly to protect the innocent!

Not sure what benefit I see in posting to Listed. I'm settling on a couple of things. There is a bit about putting myself on display. A mild case of exhibitionism I suppose. I also enjoy the process of posting, standing back and looking at whatever it is that I produce. I do that with other things as well. Report writing and DIY projects take me ages for just that reason. Time spent admiring and feeling pleased with my work. Probably a bit too much time. I know! I would do well to get over it.

Reading other people's posts is interesting. Seeing how people go about writing and using Listed. Existential ponderings and writing to learn seem to be most common. A bit of proselytizing often comes up as does writing about preferred tech. A fair few attempts at the 100 days challenge. Most of those seem to fizzle out or typically turn into posting to keep the streak going. It often seems to be nothing more than a chore.

I shall keep doing what I am doing. Working on a few personal projects right now. This month I've been inspired by a few books I am happy to recommend. All I think are well known. In mind they compliment each other well. I shall list them here in the order I have read them.

  • Atomic Habits by James Clear
  • Indestractable by Nir Eyal
  • Hooked: How to create habit forming products by Nir Eyal. I have not finished this book. Not got over judging Nye harshly for peddling the poison and then the cure!
  • The Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - And the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Harri
  • Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs by Johann Harri. Followed this up by watching the film, The United States v Billie Holiday. The film was inspired by this book.

If you decide to read any of them do the world a favour and get them some other place than Amazon. It's a bit like wearing a face mask or not littering. Individual action can and does make a difference.

Enjoy your day and the week ahead.

Sunday 16th May 2021: Back out on it.

Struck down for nearly a month with back pain. Not related to riding my bike but unable to ride because of it. Recovered enough to have a gentle spin out today. It's good to be back out on it.

Friday 14th May 2021: Mental Health Awareness Week

Mental Health Awareness Week 10-16 May 2021

Mental Health Awareness Week is an annual event in the UK. It's been going for the last 21 years. I've never heard about it before. Perhaps now it's come to the fore due to millions more feeling the impact of a sick society. As bad as the Covid pandemic has been and is, it has perhaps in someways led to or permitted a wider conversation taking place about mental health.

In the UK mental health is being spoken about much more than ever before. It's a good thing that this is happening. The focus is mostly on what these days are called 'common mental health problems'.

Back in the day people presenting with such issues were disparagingly labelled as neurotic or even 'the worried well'. Varying degrees and types of anxiety and depression in the main. Social distancing en masse and for a protracted amount of time it seems has led to more people identifying with these conditions. There's almost it seems some kudos to be had in the owning the diagnosis. Social media, TV and celebrities feasting on it for likes, air time and advertising revenue.

The approach to supporting and treating people with mental health problems has been and is very slow to change. The biomedical model continues to hold top trumps. A position historically gained and maintained to date by virtue of governmental and societal apathy, blame and willful misunderstanding. Those struggling and or unable to keep up with or fit in to the norms and expectations of the day are pathologised. Victim blaming masquerading as some kind of moral paternalism.

Medication despite it's very questionable efficacy is still often considered the first line of treatment. Indeed the Mental Health Foundation advises people who are concerned that they are developing a mental health problem should seek the advice and support of their GP as a matter of priority. If in distress and needing immediate help people unable to see a GP are advised to visit the local A&E (accident and emergency department of a hospital).

Medication may well offer some short term relief. A prescription has come to be what's expected. The pharmaceutical industry has made sure of that. A diagnosis and a script for tablets is enough to free up doctors consulting rooms within the standard 10 min appointment time. The A&E department provides little more than risk management for those in crisis. Not primarily for the person but rather to reduce any exposure to liability that may be attributed to the absence of other more suitable interventions amd support.

The Mental Health Foundation says that the week is all about starting conversations about mental health and the things in our daily lives that can affect it. This year they are suggesting that individuals, communities and governments think about connecting with nature and how nature can improve our mental health.

Connecting with nature is for sure a good thing and may well boost peoples mood and sense of wellbeing. However, to choose nature as the theme for this years campaign seems almost disingenuous and boardering on complicity.

To halt the predicted 2 million additional cases of adults in the UK with mental health problems by 2030, a national preventative mental health strategy should be developed, fully resourced and implemented. A missed opportunity on prevention - The Mental Health Foundation 2016

With that in mind how about calling out facets of modern day life that run counter to the health and welfare of the country? How about starting conversations that explore norms and expecations of everyday life that lead people to feeling they are not good enough? How about holding the government to account for economic policies that put the business interests of the very wealthy before the wellbeing, good health and security of the population?

If mental health is a sickness that can be treated with medication it seems wholly irresponsible to merely treat the symptoms and ignore the causes. It's no secret that smoking and obesity increases the risk of serious health problems. No one is allowed to ignore that. No one gets treated for heart desease or cancer without being told to make some lifestyle changes. Why then is it okay ignore causes of common mental health problems? They're common not because people are 'sick in the head'. They're common because we live in a sick society. I guess it's okay though because that's business. After all we could always just go and look at some trees.

Tuesday 4th May 2021: What's in a name?

I was looking for antonyms of conflict. As is in, '...habits that conflict with your desired identity are usually bad'. (Atomic Habits - James Clear).

Concordant was one. The opposite of that would be discord, to be out of harmony or agreement usually noticeably. That prompted me to think of Discord. Why would the founders choose such a word to call the service which seems out of line with what many might instead hope for - understanding and harmony? It did not take long to find out.


2015.05.21 AMA Transcript (from the Discord blog)

Q (uppfinnarn): How about that name?

A (Jason): We picked the name because at the end of the day it just sounds cool and has to do with talking. We had a bunch of names that we bounced around, but picking a name for a product is a complicated process. You want a name that is easy to say, spell, remember, related to the function of the product, available for ™, and has a website you can get. There are a lot of things to consider and we had a number of different candidates. Discord met all the criteria that we had and we fell in love with the name.

A (Socrates): And Discord in the gaming community is the problem we are trying to solve with this product.


That the word discord 'met all the criteria' totally ignores the words definition. I get Socrates point about it being the problem they were trying to solve but all the same. There is irony in my take on it. It doesn't meta anyway. Moving on...

Sunday 2nd May 2021: Atomic Habits notes

Atomic Habits written by James Clear. Managing habits. Incremental and ongoing improvements. Very readable. Very relateable. Some useful ideas to think about and suggestions to give a go. An aid memoir / some key takeaways I got from reading the book over this weekend.

It’s remarkable the progress you can make towards any destination if you don’t stop moving in the right direction. Tired of starting over or getting lost? Check your heading and don't stop moving towards it.

When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to become a good measure. Goodhart’s Law. Named after the economist Charles Goodhart.

Facets of habits and behavioural change

  • The ultimate purpose of habits is to solve the problems of life with as little energy and effort as possible. Conventional wisdom holds that motivation is the key to habit change. Our real motivation is to be lazy and to do what is convenient.

  • Any habit can be broken down into a feedback loop that involves four steps: cue, craving, response, and reward.

  • The Four Laws of Behavior Change are a simple set of rules we can use to build better habits.

    • make it obvious
    • make it attractive
    • make it easy
    • make it satisfying
  • A craving is the sense that something is missing. It is the desire to change your internal state. What you really want is to feel different.

  • Motion makes you feel like you’re getting things done. But really, you’re just preparing to get something done. If you want to master a habit, the key is to start with repetition, not perfection. You don’t need to map out every feature of a new habit. You just need to practice it. This is the first takeaway of the 3rd Law: you just need to get your reps in.

  • The most effective form of learning is practice, not planning. Focus on taking action, not being in motion.

Habits are easier when they align with your natural abilities. Choose the habits that best suit you.

  • What feels like fun to me, but work to others?
  • What makes me lose track of time?
  • Where do I get greater returns than the average person?
  • What comes naturally to me?

Maintaining a habit

  • When starting a new habit, keep the behavior as easy as possible so you can stick with it even when conditions aren’t perfect.

  • Maintaining the habit when it’s annoying or painful or draining to do so, that’s what makes the difference.

  • Improvement requires a balance between challenges that push you to your edge while continuing to make enough progress to stay motivated.

  • Behaviors need to remain novel in order for them to stay attractive and satisfying. Without variety, we get bored.

  • When habits become ordinary, we might sometimes start derailing our progress to seek novelty. Men desire novelty to such an extent that those who are doing well wish for a change as much as those who are doing badly - Machiavelli

  • At the moment when you begin to feel like you have mastered a skill—right when things are starting to feel automatic and you are becoming comfortable—that you must avoid slipping into the trap of complacency. REFLECT & REVIEW.

  • Doing or not doing a habit is a continuous process. There is no finish line. There is no permanent solution. It is a system to improve, an endless process to refine.

Habit reduction

Do the opposite of the above for habit reduction. Make it invisible (manage internal and enviornmental triggers), make it unattractive, make it awkward and unappealing.


I'm feeling energised and optimistic. New ideas and renewed intent. Now from motion to action...

Friday 30th April 2021: My Political Compass

The Political Compass. The essence of the site is a model for political analysis. The site has been online since 2001. Developed by a journalist and an academic working on the inadequacies of simple left-right political identities. Check the video below for some background.

Pleased to find my aggregated responses to the propositions posed indicate I am a lefty libertarian. I like the company I'm in.

Tuesday 27th April 2021: timeboxed

Experimenting with the idea of a timeboxed schedule planner. Much planning done yesterday. I allowed myself to be distracted today. Eating the marshmallow. I got stuff done. More than had I not planned even though I never did everything I planned.

Internal triggers mostly. Willful diversions. Timeboxing was a bit out. Changes in the flow of family life. Forgot to include one or two things I spent time on. Did some coding. Deliberate practice? 30% at most. Realising how meandering my approach has become to learning and doing. Be good to get a grip of it. Fingers crossed good health and fitness will return and all will be good. I would not code a condition like that.

Sent a dynamo hub to the manufactuer in Taiwan for repairs. £25 plus £16 p&p. If it is fixed and returned it will be worth it. Hoping I don't get stung with tax on it's return. Custom bandits.

Got signed back on and 'migrated' for some freelancing work with a big multinational. Sounds pretty good put like that. Surveys, reports and consultancy. Trying out getting back into what I'd been doing for the six years before Covid.

Key factors I'm thinking of is getting to work when I want / need to; getting to visit some interesting locations and meet some interesting people. No managerial responsibilities.
I am better off employed as I work more paid hours and get pension payments, employee benefits etc. Freelancing feels like I have less days working and more holidays. Base hourly rate is double. Enhanced payment for unsocial hours, weekends and nights in employment counter that.
Admin and report writing is unpleasant. Good though I get to do it at home. Thoroughness, efficiency and discipline. Without it work becomes neverending. With it this becomes a more attractive option.
Freelancing sometimes presents opportunities that would not otherwise occur. There is novelty and newness about the work even though the process for bread and butter assignments is the same. Seems sensible to keep the possibiity alive.

Giving timeboxing my schedule another go tomorrow. It made a good difference today.

Akrasia

Thinking more about distraction and the notion of akrasia. A lack of self-control or the state of acting against one's better judgment

A few takes on it summarised from this Wikipedia page.

  • Donald Davidson: when people act in this way, they temporarily believe that the worse course of action is better, because they have not made an all-things-considered judgment, but only a judgment based on a subset of possible considerations.

  • Different motivations can conflict with each other. Reason and emotion. Believing that one should do A rather than B, but still end up wanting to do B more than A.

  • George Ainslie: hyperbolic discounting causes us to make different judgements close to a reward than we will when further from it.

These points led to thinking about The marshmallow test. What might motivate our decision making? Take the treat now or wait and get two later. Be distracted now or stay on task.

Hot and cool ways of thinking. Cool remembers to consider and take notice of long term outcomes. Hot is impulsive. Cool is to the fore when the setting conditions are right. Hot takes the lead when we're feeling under threat.

The Hot System (Go!) is: emotional, simple, reflexive, fast, and centered in the amygdala. It develops early in the child and is exacerbated by stress.

The Cool System (Know), on the other hand, is: cognitive rather than emotional, complex, reflective, slow, and centered in the frontal lobes and hippocampus. It develops later in the child and is made weaker by stress.

In the Hot System the stimulus controls us; in the Cool System we control the stimulus. Link

Hot motivates immediate gratification. It's a safety measure. Act now before it's too late kind of thing. Noticing when we're running hot seems like a good idea. The amygdala is in some ways well behind the times.

Relax. Take care of your environment. Be kind to yourself. Cool down your thinking. Consider the longer term and align your actions with your chosen future.

Distractions

The last month has been a bit of a right off in terms of getting stuff done. A cold quickly followed by nasty back pain. Throw in a mix of working days and nights and it's no wonder focus and productivity have been elusive. More often though it's by being distracted that my efficacy and output is reduced.

Distraction (dɪˈstrækʃən)
n

  1. the act or an instance of distracting or the state of being distracted
  2. something that serves as a diversion or entertainment
  3. an interruption; obstacle to concentration
  4. (Psychology) mental turmoil or madness

Often times I have conflated distraction and focus and considered them to be diametrically opposed.

Focus.

careful attention that is given to something such as a task, or the ability to give your full attention to something:

Inability to focus is though perhaps not the problem I thought it was. If it were how come we don't lose the ability to focus on our distractions? Nir Eyal suggests the opposite of distraction is not focus, it’s traction. Distraction is any action that pulls you away from what you said you’d do. Traction is any action that pulls you towards what you said you’d do

Indulging in distractions is a form of akrasia. A ‘lack of self-control’. Weakness of will. The disposition to act contrary to one’s own considered judgment about what it is best to do. That feels horrible after a while. It can become a habit. Not a good place to be in.

Overcoming distractions: How To Become Indistractable & Control Your Attention | Nir Eyal on The Reader’s Journey • Podcast Notes

  • Stop blaming stuff for your distractions. Take responsibility. Be in control. Most distraction starts from within. Notice internal triggers. Emotional avoidence is a likely antagonist. Be willing to stretch yourself. Push your limits. Be with the discomfort for a bit. The feeling will pass.

  • What do you desire? Where do you want to be? What needs doing to get there? Schedule in activties that correspond to these outcomes. Anything is permissable with intention! Without planning everything could become a distraction!

  • Manage external setting conditions. People. Noise. Comfort. Notifications blah blah blah...

  • If able to suspend your disbelief then make a pact with yourself...

    • Effort. Create barriers to disractions. Increase the effort which is required to partake in the distraction.
    • Price. Make the distraction expensive. Money in a jar kind of thing.
    • Identity. Adopt the identity of a being with focus and ability to overcome distraction!

Friday 16th April 2021

Feeling okay this morning. Not great. Okay. Better than grumpy. Went to bed at 9.30pm. Up a couple of times but otherwise slept through to about 6.00 am. Eight hours or thereabouts. Pleased with that.

My neck is hurting. I think it may be being made worse when I ride the bike. Maybe handlebars are a bit narrow? I remember the MRI scan I had when I got knocked off the bike noting advanced deterioration of bones or what not in that area.

Just read a letter I wrote to a friend on the 16th May 2000. He was in prison. I was getting married that weekend. I spoke about changing careers into datbase management over the next year.

There is a thing I have done in my life. Something about age. Being too young or too old to do stuff. Something like that. It has held me back in many ways. I am responsible for it. I would do well to manage the influence it has on planning and decision making.

Just not feeling much enthusisam about anything for the past few days. Feeling a bit off kilter. Could be weeks. I don't think so. Maybe since I got the cold a week ago last Tuesday. Been feeling drained. Decrepid. Feeling the wear and tear of age.

Has me thinking about shaping up again. Get some good habits going. Helpful routines. Like going to bed before 11pm when I am working days. Drinking water in the morning. Checking my blood pressue. Keep on the with push ups and cycling. Getting a grip again on the chronic bad habbits. They don't go away. Just into remission.

That's a thing. Deciding on what's important and taking action to attain the state. Being fit, strong and able. That's important. So I need to look after my health. Moving in that direction is in line with what I think is important so naturally things will seem right when I am going that way.

What else is important. I wrote down some goals a month or so ago. Doing LEJOG, regular miles on my bike, being a software developer, getting in a 100 press ups. Pretty sure there was something in there about relationships too. I have been willfully iginoring reminders on my phone to review those goals for at least three or four weeks. An instance of ignoring what I notice and choosing not to do what I know is worthwhile.

Just thought about the 100 consecutive press ups. I got them done. It surprised me in some ways when I did. Twice in one day to boot! None since then though and that was last Monday. Also got in a 115 mile ride on that Thursday. All very good but such things can lead me to losing focus and drifting. A case of I've done it now and then not getting back on it.

Good to notice and think about these things for a little while this morning. Started off feeling a bit morose. I am feeling a bit more enthused about the day now just from writing this journal. Hope your's is a good one too. Wishing you well.

Thursday 15th April 2021

Swapping between working days and nights is a tricky one to pull off and remain productive. Not been getting much done over the last few weeks.

Worked a night yesterday. Sat around all day today doing nothing that than staying awake so I can sleep tonight. Days training tomorrow. Cognitive skills take a hit. Not conducive to problem solving and coding.

Not getting enough sleep. Being tired. Time awake is not being used very effectivly.